3 Reconciliation

All great spirituality 

is about what we do with our pain. 

– Richard Rohr 

Reconciliation –whether with ourselves, others, the circumstances at hand, or the mystery of why things happen as they do — is an essential , but profoundly difficult part of the healing process.  The outcome and nature of that process is often uncertain – and the suffering along the way can be overwhelming at times.

Spiritual care is particularly important in the midst of such “soul pain” (Simington, 2004).  Being compassionately present to such pain, along with sources of hope and strength can help to “soften suffering” and find openings for the reconciliation process to begin (Wright & Bell, 2021).

This chapter will explore the nature of reconciliation, the many associated difficulties, and some resources that may be supportive in navigating them.

Reconciliation

In the context of promoting and restoring well-being, reconciliation is the process of resolving important matters and/or finding ways to make peace with matters that are beyond our control (Rindfleisch,  2023; Scott Barss, 2012). Often, reconciliation is needed in terms of acceptance of the immediate crisis or circumstances at hand, so that one can eventually move into a health-promoting state of peacefulness and trust (Scott Barss, 2012). Reconciliation might also involve an identified need for healing or forgiveness within a relationship or oneself (Rindfleisch, 2023).

At a national level, Canadians are (or need to be) engaged vitally important truth-telling and reconciliation in support of alleviating and healing the harms to Indigenous Peoples through colonization and related oppressive policies, both past and present (Nadeau, 2020; Truth & Reconciliation Commission of Canada, 2015).  The late Senator Murray Sinclair speaks here of its meaning in that context:

What Is reconciliation?  Senator Murray Sinclair Truth & Reconciliation Commission of Canada (TRC).

Reconciliation & Well-Being

Given the many spiritual needs associated with the process of reconciliation (to say nothing of the many unmet needs within every other dimension of health when individuals are abused, marginalized and oppressed), reconciliation (or lack thereof) can have a profound impact on individual, family, and communal well-being (Scott Barss et al, 2019; Bussing et al., 2025). True reconciliation involves ‘making things right’ by completing reparations and actively working to address injustices or inequities that compromise individuals’ and/or communities’ health (TRC, 2015; Yellowhead Institute, 2023).

Reconciliation and any resulting healing is only possible when each individual’s or community’s understanding and desired process of reconciliation is understood and honoured, ideally by all involved (Rindfleisch, 2023; Sinclair, 2015).  To force an ill-fitting and/or rushed process of reconciliation, or to avoid engaging in it at all, can result in ‘spiritual bypassing’ (Dorais, 2024; Picciotto, et al., 2017).  Picciotto and colleagues define spiritual bypassing as “a defensive psychological posture cultivated by a tendency to privilege spiritual beliefs or experiences over and against psychological needs creating a means of avoiding or bypassing difficult emotions or experiences” (p. 1). For example, based on personal, cultural, or communal spiritual and/or religious beliefs, people may believe that they or others ‘should’ forgive right away or even that they ‘shouldn’t’ even be upset by someone else’s harmful actions.

Individuals seeking to reconcile through forgiveness of self or others can be particularly vulnerable to not allowing themselves the necessary time or healing conditions for this form of reconciliation to occur following injury, trauma or harm of any kind (Rindfleisch, 2023; Winklejohn Black & Klinger, 2022). Much support is necessary to free oneself of unhealthy expectations and limitations if an individual or community is to eventually return to a state of well-being (Rindfleisch).  The Templeton Foundation has funded research into the benefits of forgiveness if and when it is possible.  Here is their 2020 report:

The Science of Forgiveness_Templeton

Making peace with loss is another highly complex reconciliation process.  One’s capacity to navigate and express related grief (in their own way) can have a profound impact upon overall wellness.  You may wish to view the below 2024 CBC ‘Nature of Things’ documentary when and with whom it feels helpful to do so.  Here is its trailer:

A Broken Heart Wreaks Havoc on Our Bodies. Host Anthony Morgan Meets Some of the Scientists Looking for Ways to Ease the Pain. | CBC.ca  (To access this full episode, sign into/create a free account for ‘CBC Gem’; search/select on ”The Nature of Things’ program)

Twelve Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous have recognized for decades how central spirituality is to the healing process.  Each step involves inner work at a spiritual level, with several steps addressing the many facets of reconciliation:

Resources abound in support of forgiveness, grieving, and the many other forms of reconciliation.  A few are included in Appendix C: References and Resources, in addition to the contemplative options in this chapter’s ‘Contemplation and Community’ section. In relation to the latter, several options are provided, given the many life circumstances involving reconciliation and the many facets of reconciliation itself.

Our next chapter will focus on exploration of the beliefs and convictions that each of us can draw upon, both in hard times and happy.

For your quick reference now, here are a few meditations that may be supportive if and when you are navigating difficult circumstances:

10 Guided Meditations for Tough Times – Mindful